[mental health awareness: why i don't celebrate valentine's day]

Mental Health Awareness: 

Why I Don't Celebrate Valentine's Day

The bear I am holding I bought myself 15 years ago.  Though I do not post many things about my personal life, I do suffer from major depression, GAD, PTSD, and BPD which is treated with medication I take daily, years of therapy  and a lot of meditation and self-care.  This has stemmed a mixture of genetic mental disorders and personal events that have not only shaped the person I am today but has made me aware of how important mental health help and awareness is.  And though I am stronger, no one can be strong 100% of the time.

Like many people,  I was constantly bullied in school and was always one of the few kids who never got a Valentine - even the class packs where everyone was supposed to get. I was even teased for not having a southern accent like all the other girls and boys where I lived.  I didn't attend church nor any of the accompanying church activities that my school pushed as being in a small Christian town.  It wasn't normal to form your own opinions about religion or break a social norm. I never had a single sleepover or was invited to one until my senior when I was already traveling and didn't really care anymore after 17 years of nothing.  My birthdays were spent alone.  

The Significance of Valentine's Day:

I moved out before.....





 I graduated high school on Valentine's Day of 2007.  My mother had a mental breakdown and left my father and I  when she decided to leave in a disheveled manic state.  We were abandoned. I was told to tell my father that she was marrying a guy she met in the hospital, divorcing my father, taking what little we had in the safe/our savings, and was leaving to have a "better life."  At the time she didn't realize how detrimental and crushing this was and how it would tear apart our relationship and family. Things were never the same after and now that it's been a decade I feel that I could share the story even though it stings to read it. I was too young to mentally handle the situation myself.

 I just remember stepping out of the shower to get ready for work and seeing all of her belongings were gone along with the van she drove.  I remember the look on my father's face when I relayed the message of what she said sitting next to him in a grocery store parking lot.  I remember having a breakdown and having to walk out of the job I had worked at most of my high school years.  My father has never been the same and told many people that she "was no longer with us" for many years leaving people to make their own conclusions as he was ashamed to admit that his twenty year marriage ended in a mental disorder that we couldn't control or fix.

  Now looking back, obviously that wouldn't bother me today, but as a pre-teen/coming to age girl and already being an introvert and shy (if you could believe it), I felt very alone during my school years.  I was the girl with her nose in a book, looked like I may have lived in Edgar Allen Poe's attic, and was the nerdy perfectionist that would be crushed if I didn't make an A+ on every assignment.  I didn't recognize the weeks of sadness I experienced or the racing heartbeat and crying spells was an indicator that I wasn't just experiencing puberty and was a sign of mental illness.

So What's Up With The Bear?

  I bought myself a bear that I have slept with, or kept by my bed since then.  I have cried into many times when mourning or when lonely, when I'm sick, hurting, or just not feeling good enough. It prevented me many times from acting on old habits of self-harm. My bear may be tattered and worn, his ribbon may be falling off and he may be missing some buttons, but it holds many years of me finding solace and having a companion when I thought my world wasn't good enough to share with anyone or that I wasn't good enough period.

  Know that you are not alone.  If you are feeling alone, other people have been there and you are never "not good enough."  I do not care who you are, what your background is, if we know each other or are a complete stranger: if you are having a hard time not just today, but any day - do not be afraid to reach out.  Shoot me a message, I do reply.  I am very involved with several organizations and can give you links/information.  

To end this post, I just want to let whoever is reading this to know you are loved.  And I am attaching websites and phone numbers to help if you feel like you need someone to talk to or if you feel like life is too much sometimes.  These are absolutely free resources and I had to learn to put away my pride and shame, asking for help does not make you weak. Be safe, and tomorrow is another day you can be thankful that you won today's battle.  xoxo - K

#TWLOHAVDAY #TWLOHA 

Please check out ToWriteLoveOnHerArms.com, it is a very helpful website that has helped me many time when I simply did not feel like getting out of bed or didn't think I was good enough to keep going. Reading some of the articles gave me courage to continue modeling when I felt at my lowest, get counseling when I was not doing so well, and to recognize and end abusive relationships and toxic friendships. The resources are wonderful and eventually I plan on applying to intern.

If you get anything from this post, please share these as a lot of people do not know they exist and even if it means just giving awareness it can save a life you didn't even know that needed saving:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:

1-800-273-8251-

Online Chat & Hotline are Open 24/7

If you feel/know a friend who may be  struggling or planning on ending their life, you can call the Lifeline Hotline 24/7:

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

National Child Abuse Hotline

1.800.4.A.CHILD (422-4453)

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1.800.799.SAFE (799-7233)

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN)

1.800.656.HOPE (656-4673)

The Trevor Project

1.866.4.U.TREVOR (488-7386)

Veterans Crisis Line

1.800.273.TALK (273-8255) PRESS 1

Crisis Text Line

TEXT "TWLOHA" TO 741-741